I’m struck by what a complete world the care home is. That it has a culture of it’s own. When we walk into the first room the TV is on and four people sit very close but quite separate from one another. Three of them are sleeping. It strikes me how isolated this feels. I wonder if this is really the case. It’s quite surreal that people occupy the same physical space so closely but are so completely separate.
When I watch Susanna speak to someone it’s like lighting kindling and seeing a fire start. This whole world awakens, comes to life and shines out. A world so rich in feeling- so dense- that spends most of the time utterly internalised. I feel very moved by the words of these people.
I find it sort of devastating that when I go back next week they will be there the same as before, sitting and waiting. That’s how it seems to me. Waiting for what? Although maybe that’s me putting my own ‘busy’ perspective on it. They are in fact not waiting but just being. I am certainly amazed at the meditative quality, the quiet and slowness. Some of these people spend such a lot of time quietly sitting. They must have so much clarity in some ways. Being so present in such a situation must be so painful at times.
It seems what has touched them most in their lives plays on repeat like their own theme tune. For some people there, being listened to is such a rare thing that us walking in to spend time being there with them must be surreal. It breaks the trance of routine. If I imagine it from their own perspective- that the days merge into one another- to have someone break that by listening deeply must resonate in a very strong way and I hope that on some level it really sinks in.
That small action of being given space. Your experience and feelings being given value. It didn’t sink in until Tuesday that this becomes a very large gesture here because of the fact that some of the people we will talk to are so in need of it. That which I take for granted.
I start to feel so lucky, I start to feel the agility of my body, the touch of Simon, the fact that I choose what I want to eat, that I have family who I love and love me and friends who are around. It brings the small things into focus. Well actually maybe I should say ‘the big things’ because I have had a taste of what stays with a person. Today it seemed it was acts of love- the love that they have felt that circles them. So I can’t help but think it’s the small intimacies, the day to day stuff, the day to day love that will resonate with me. I can’t help but wonder what I will be saying if I live that long?
I have felt a sadness well up in me from time to time. Their loss reverberates, the sadness that some of these people have lost the things that mean the most to them. They keep trying to find their way back to their individuality- to their lives- to a reality that they have some ownership over. Some of the time at least. I feel very moved by the experience. To have the privilege of getting close to someone in that way. Hearing their words. I have love well up in me too.
Pippa Wildwood