I am new to the group. On my first day, I mostly listen and soak everything in, having to remind myself that Peter, Pippa and Shazea have known each other for just over a week. They talk of their experiences in the home, forging relationships, of taking care of themselves and of questions… Question after question after question raises from the group’s attentiveness; the questions are as diverse and intricate as the people sitting around me.
I find myself simultaneously confident and apprehensive. The confidence comes from realising how much everyone has learned in such a short time, the inherent trust I have in the method I’m learning; the apprehension stems from insecurity – I feel a great responsibility to people I am yet to meet and fear somehow failing them.
I have used too many ‘I’s. It seems inappropriate. I want to turn my attention to J. and C. – but I won’t meet them until tomorrow. Today, Susanna and I met in the care home where they live and immediately there was a sense of ever so slight relief – I’ve peeped into their home and think maybe I know a little bit about their everyday already. As Susanna runs a one-on-one training session with me I suddenly realise that my mind is speeding up with every moment: there are so many nuances in this process, so much to think about. I worry about being in the moment and taking in the present while juggling, somewhere in the very corner of the background of my brain, everything that I’m learning.
‘Make sure you get a good night’s sleep’ – Susanna says this to me at least three or four times as we are saying goodbye. I think she’s trying to tell me something. Like everyone, I live a hectic life, promising to catch up on taking it easy one day; I am eager to put that aside and let tomorrow sink in, as I open my – our – book, to write down someone else’s words.
Bojana Jankovic